Writing for a lifestyle blog:
The Baby Layer
With each year that go by, I seem to shed another baby layer. By baby layer, I mean the emotional layer of opinions we carry around our hearts, our minds and our bodies. The layer embedded in our core, the layer that every decision and impulse hinges on. Before we decide anything in our lives, we tend to go through the mental checklist of everyone who matters to us and what their opinion would be on the matter. What will they think? How will this make them feel? Will they judge me? Will I still be accepted? This may sound dramatic, but on whatever level it may be, before we make any decision, most of us will do the mental cross-check. It can happen in seconds. Our anxiety is fast like that. Nevertheless, it still happens, and it is worth exploring why it happens - later, on that.
Then, as if the mental cross-check is not enough to curb the paranoia, 9 times out of 10, we will pick up the phone and get their opinion on the matter in real-time. For a lot of us, we reach the later years of our 20’s without having made a single ‘big’ decision by ourselves. At least not without going through the necessary approval channels first. What do you think? Should I go for it? Should I do it? What if this happens? We often spend so much time worrying about what other people think that we forget to ask the only person that matters – ourselves.
So let’s explore why we still do this in our 20’s? Surely by now, we are adult enough to stop asking for permission to live our lives? Surely by now, we shouldn’t care what people think? Surely by now we can take our own path in life without having to justify it at every corner? Surely.
No... even when I was well into my 20’s I still found myself scared to step out into my own without doing the cross-check with friends and family first. And why is that? Why hadn’t I shaken it off yet? Surely I was an adult now! Surely. It wasn’t as if I even wanted their opinion… I just felt I had to ask for it because I owed it to the world… to them (friends and family)… for investing in me. Investing in me emotionally (and financially too for my parents). So why did I still feel bound to these opinions? Why did I still feel tied to what they thought?
Speaking purely from my own experience, I believe many of us continue this pattern into our 20’s because we haven’t flexed our DIY muscle yet. No this is not a scientific term, it is a Larissa term, but that doesn’t make what I am about to say any less true. Many of us have not felt what it is like to make a decision and follow through with it from beginning to end without some form of consultation from someone. Now, because we haven’t done it before, isn’t it a little naïve to somehow expect ourselves to DIY everything?
It’s clear flexing the DIY muscle is not easy. It takes practise, and it starts with the little things. Instead of asking your friends where they want to eat, how about you pick first next time? Instead of asking your mum what she thinks of the dress you want to buy, why not simply buy what you want? Whilst I realise it is nice to get affirmation and reassurance about the not-so-serious things, sometimes these are the building blocks to simply just building a backbone, developing your own personality and finding your true identity. It also sets the boundary for yourself and for everyone else around you. It says: Hello, this is me, respect my decision please - but in a nice way, (of course).
If I truly dig deep though, and think about what has really liberated me from unwanted opinions, it is this: I have simply stopped asking. So many of us fall into the trap of involuntary asking. 2 minutes after introducing a new love interest to a friend, we’re having the following conversation: “Do you like him? He’s funny isn’t he? I know.. he’s a little quirky… but he’s my quirky... we get each other… you’ll get to know him, you’ll see”. That conversation basically went: approval, reassurance, justification and then a final plea to convince. This is what I strive to eliminate from my life altogether. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the advice friends and family have to offer, it is simply a matter of being ready for it. When you are still in the early stages of a decision or a thought or anything for that matter… you need to give yourself time. Time to digest what is going on first. Time to decide how you feel first. Time to find out what you truly think of the situation before you invite the opinions of other’s into the mix. Note – this is not the same thing as emotionally shutting down and closing off the world to how you feel. Note – this is also not the same thing as giving yourself licence to wreck your life despite what everyone else thinks. This is simply taking your time to adjust and develop your own thoughts and feelings around a situation. This is something that takes an unbelievable amount of control, and takes time to initiate – at least for me it did.
In the end, everybody has ‘their person’ who they go to for support and advise. As we grow older and shed more baby layers, our conversations with that person changes. It morphs from advice and parenting to support, assistance and care. Whomever that person is to you, this is less about shutting that person off, and more about trusting in your own beliefs and thoughts in addition to theirs. It is about valuing their opinion, but slightly tipping the scale in favour of your opinion, because it is only you who will have to live with the decision, not them. You may even notice many people’s advice ends in “But you know what’s best”. Despite this being the point I usually role my eyes at how dismissive and unhelpful that is, it is most likely the truest statement they have said all conversation. Listen to it. That one’s a keeper.